Auf Wiedersehen, for now.

Auf Wiedersehen, for now.

I've made the decision.  I'm moving in a new direction and starting a brand-spanking-new site.

I've been struggling with the decision for weeks.  Not the decision to start a new site, that I've been sure of for awhile.  Sure, I can make An American Girl more general and less Vienna-focused all the time, but the truth is that I can't send this blog out far and wide because there are many people who don't know, who I don't want to know, about Vienna yet.  So, I can't post this on Facebook or send out without worrying about who's going to find it.

I have been struggling with the decision about what to do with An American Girl.  I thought maybe that I could just have two blogs.  Yea.  That's not going to happen.  Then I thought that I should at least keep this going while getting the other up and running.  Unfortunately, I began to feel so overwhelmed and a little guilty about the whole thing that I wasn't working on either!

Just the other day I thought, you know what, this is supposed to be FUN.  Not a burden.  And in that moment I knew.  An American Girl is going to take a break for awhile, at least from this blog.  This is not to say that I won't bring it back when we get closer to our move to Vienna.  I might just do that.  But in the meantime, I'm taking a different approach.

I can't share the site details with you yet, but if you check back in a couple weeks or so, I'll post the link.  And for those of you with whom I've connected via your blogs, I'll send along the new site as soon as I can.  For those of you who simply pop by to read An American Girl every now and again, I thank you ever so much for following along and do hope I can bring you along to my new virtual playland when the time comes.

Danke shoen & Auf Wiedersehen
Caroline
An American Girl

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The results are in....

The results are in....

and I took home two 3rd place trophies, which ain't so bad.

I was a little disappointed in my placing (I could have sworn I had 2nd locked in), but I am not at all disappointed in how I looked or presented myself.  I actually did quite well on stage and was told I seemed a natural with the stage presence and all.  So, I've decided to be happy with third and use the frustration and energy to do better next time.

More later in the week, as I begin to come back to life and get back to a schedule, but I promised you photos, so here ya go!

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A lifelong obsession

A lifelong obsession

  

Apparently, I've had a thing for fancy shoes and big shades from a very early age.  Aren't these great!  My mom sent them to me this afternoon, photos of little me that I had never seen.  And it appears I get my sense of style from her - who else's closet and purse would I have been raiding so young?

My big competition is just 2 days away.  The training is done, I have tomorrow off work to take care of last minute appointments (hello, spray tan!) and a bit more posing practice, and I find myself with a little bit of downtime at home this evening.  A luxury these days.


I've pushed myself in so many ways these past couple months, physically and mentally, and while I might not be able to technically say that I've loved every minute of it, I kind of have loved every minute of it.


Physically, I'm in near-peak condition.  I honestly didn't believe I'd ever get my legs to look like they do today.  Ever.  I'm as healthy and as fit as I've ever been in my life.  While I may not want to walk around quite this lean and muscled every day, I now see just what I can do with my body (what we can all do with our bodies), with the right knowledge, discipline, and determination.


Mentally, I've surpassed the level of discipline and determination I knew I had.  I've always been pretty focused when I wanted to be, but this took EVEN MORE!


And I'm pushing my boundaries, my personal comfort levels.  Being in the gym, training, I'm comfortable with that.  Showing it off in the way I must on Saturday, that's a stretch for me.  And putting myself in the position of being judged like that, officially, also a stretch.


As of this moment, the excitement has surpassed the nerves.  I anticipate they'll return in force in the next 48 hours, but I think I've got the wherewithal to get through them.

I'll let you know how it goes!

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I've been busy

I've been busy

I haven't been ignoring y'all for no reason.  Seems my world, my life, my....well, everything, is about my upcoming competition.  2 weeks from tomorrow.  gulp.  Things are looking good.  I like my back.  I like my arms.  I like my abs.  Still working on that lower half.


Here's a peek at where I am two weeks out.  Not my fave photos or poses, but I'm using this is a way to  keep myself honest and on track - keep myself working toward the goal.  I don't have my fancy suit yet, but I do have the shoes!

 

And definitely still working on my posing.  I had a lesson last Friday in How To Walk.  Think model walk.  Swish the hips, roll the shoulders, look natural but command attention while simultaneously flexing the legs with each step, keeping the abs tight, smile, but not in a too-fake-way.  Um, I'm quite certain there was more to it, but I'm at a loss at the moment.


I'm also experimenting with fake tans so I can be browner than a berry in two weeks.  The first is just about worn off.  It was not the exact color I was hoping for, so back to another salon with a different solution this weekend for another try.

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Life = Risk

Life = Risk

I needed this today......

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A bouquet of sharpened pencils

A bouquet of sharpened pencils

All over Facebook, I'm seeing statuses and comments about my friends' children going "Back to School."  I don't necessarily wish I was a mother sending her child back to school, but I am feeling an overwhelming desire to go Back to School myself.  Oh, I don't have an actual desire to go Back to School, but I do long for a new season, a new start, the feeling of fall, which still, all these years later, goes hand-in-hand with the idea of Back to School.

One of my guilty pleasures is the movie "You've Got Mail" with Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks.  And one of my favorite lines within is:

“Don’t you love New York in the fall? It makes me wanna buy school supplies. I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils if I knew your name and address..”


Ah, that's how I feel today.  It is finally below 90 degrees here in California, I felt a bit of crispness in the air yesterday, and I long for cardigans and tights and a new pencil case in which to keep my new pencils.

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Yes/No. All/None. Go/Stay.

Yes/No. All/None. Go/Stay.

I said to my husband the other day that I don't think of Vienna all that much these days.  We don't have a strict timeline,  I don't have anything hanging over my head that I have to think about/do/accomplish with regard to Vienna, I'm distracted with other things in my life, he's been out of town so we haven't talked much about it.  So *poof*  there it goes.  

He, on the other hand, said he thinks about it all the time.  He's trying to get a business off the ground and our moving to Vienna depends quite a bit on his ability to do so, so he is constantly thinking that he's not working hard enough, fast enough to get us there.

I wanted to tell him, "it's okay, take your time."  I don't feel a sense of urgency at the moment and I don't want him to stress.  But I stopped short of doing so.  I was afraid he'd think that meant I was ambivalent, that I no longer want to go.  And for a moment I start the protest in my head, "No, of course I still want to go.  I'd go tomorrow if we could."  But thou might protest too much.

I do still want to go to Vienna.  I can say that in all honesty.  But sometimes I feel like I want to stay here.  And that is just as honest a statement.

My tendency is toward extremes.  Yes/No. Black/White.  All/None.  I don't do to well with the middle area, the squishy ~ um, maybe, I feel two ways about one thing ~ kind of place.  If I say yes to something, I have to make myself believe that yes is the only answer and I will do all I can to push out any other thoughts.  If I start to have conflicting thoughts, then I assume that I was wrong, that I don't want whatever it is after all and I either have to suck it up and go along with it because I said I would or I have to completely pull the plug.

And that is where I find myself today, caught in the middle, one day wanting to move to Vienna, remembering what it was like to be there and missing it, eager to take on the challenge of an ex-pat life.  Other days, I feel so comfortable in my own space that I want to stay.  And still other days I feel dissatisfied with where I currently am but not wanting to make quite that big of a change.

None of this means that I don't want to move, that we won't move, that the plans will be tossed out the window.  Right?  I'm pretty sure it just means that I'm allowing myself to experience all that goes along with such a decision.  This is huge for me.  And, on top of that, to openly admit to others that maybe I don't have it all together inside.  That's even bigger.

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the treadmill : today's "place to be"

the treadmill : today's "place to be"

It's Sunday and Sunday is pretty much a non-training day for me.  My Sunday "workout" is to go for a walk of at least 1 hour in length.  Not bad, eh!  Usually, I take advantage of this "easy" day and take a Sunday stroll around the neighborhood, I wander rather leisurely, I make phone calls while I'm strolling and catch up with family and friends.

Just didn't seem like enough this morning, though.  I woke up feeling not so great in my little noggin.  Nothing terrible or earth shattering, but just one of those unmotivated, uninspired mornings.  I had a good cup of coffee and tried writing in my journal.  eh.  Tried writing a blog post.  eh.  Perfect time for my Sunday walk - get the blood flowing, clear my head.  I started to get ready for my stroll, but was still feeling, eh.  As strange as it may sound, what with all the dang training I'm doing, I actually felt unfit this morning.  A little full, flabby (what did I eat yesterday, sheesh) and, well, I guess I was just a bit down.  Somehow a leisurely Sunday stroll through the neighborhood just didn't seem serious enough.

So, off to the gym I went to spend an hour on the treadmill.  Walking, mind you - not running, not biking, just walking.  Egads, I thought, this is going to be boring. B.O.R.I.N.G.  Well, boring though it may be, I though, I needed the intensity of the machine, I needed it to be an intentional workout, so I went.

I was wrong.  I was wrong, wrong, wrong.  Boring?  Nope.  Quite the contrary.  With no distractions, no phone calls, no yards to peek in, my little noggin started whizzing, zinging, having thoughts, making connections.  My head turned upside down, blah to yea!  Inspiration and ideas for a new project I'm thinking about appeared seemingly out of nowhere.  Since our decision to be more flexible on the Vienna move, I realized that I want to still blog, but feel too constrained by the title and format of what I've created here (no surprise to those who've been following along in the past few weeks).  So, I've been toying with the idea of creating a sister blog/alternate blog/blog in place of An American Girl and trying to think about what I would want to do with that.  I've had major brain stall, though, and have been mentally frustrated about the whole thing.  But this morning, on the treadmill, obviously today's place of power for me, the connections and ideas and thoughts started flowing.  What a relief!  What a great feeling!

An hour went by far too quickly.  I think I may go back.

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