A lifelong obsession

A lifelong obsession

  

Apparently, I've had a thing for fancy shoes and big shades from a very early age.  Aren't these great!  My mom sent them to me this afternoon, photos of little me that I had never seen.  And it appears I get my sense of style from her - who else's closet and purse would I have been raiding so young?

My big competition is just 2 days away.  The training is done, I have tomorrow off work to take care of last minute appointments (hello, spray tan!) and a bit more posing practice, and I find myself with a little bit of downtime at home this evening.  A luxury these days.


I've pushed myself in so many ways these past couple months, physically and mentally, and while I might not be able to technically say that I've loved every minute of it, I kind of have loved every minute of it.


Physically, I'm in near-peak condition.  I honestly didn't believe I'd ever get my legs to look like they do today.  Ever.  I'm as healthy and as fit as I've ever been in my life.  While I may not want to walk around quite this lean and muscled every day, I now see just what I can do with my body (what we can all do with our bodies), with the right knowledge, discipline, and determination.


Mentally, I've surpassed the level of discipline and determination I knew I had.  I've always been pretty focused when I wanted to be, but this took EVEN MORE!


And I'm pushing my boundaries, my personal comfort levels.  Being in the gym, training, I'm comfortable with that.  Showing it off in the way I must on Saturday, that's a stretch for me.  And putting myself in the position of being judged like that, officially, also a stretch.


As of this moment, the excitement has surpassed the nerves.  I anticipate they'll return in force in the next 48 hours, but I think I've got the wherewithal to get through them.

I'll let you know how it goes!

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I've been busy

I've been busy

I haven't been ignoring y'all for no reason.  Seems my world, my life, my....well, everything, is about my upcoming competition.  2 weeks from tomorrow.  gulp.  Things are looking good.  I like my back.  I like my arms.  I like my abs.  Still working on that lower half.


Here's a peek at where I am two weeks out.  Not my fave photos or poses, but I'm using this is a way to  keep myself honest and on track - keep myself working toward the goal.  I don't have my fancy suit yet, but I do have the shoes!

 

And definitely still working on my posing.  I had a lesson last Friday in How To Walk.  Think model walk.  Swish the hips, roll the shoulders, look natural but command attention while simultaneously flexing the legs with each step, keeping the abs tight, smile, but not in a too-fake-way.  Um, I'm quite certain there was more to it, but I'm at a loss at the moment.


I'm also experimenting with fake tans so I can be browner than a berry in two weeks.  The first is just about worn off.  It was not the exact color I was hoping for, so back to another salon with a different solution this weekend for another try.

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Life = Risk

Life = Risk

I needed this today......

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A bouquet of sharpened pencils

A bouquet of sharpened pencils

All over Facebook, I'm seeing statuses and comments about my friends' children going "Back to School."  I don't necessarily wish I was a mother sending her child back to school, but I am feeling an overwhelming desire to go Back to School myself.  Oh, I don't have an actual desire to go Back to School, but I do long for a new season, a new start, the feeling of fall, which still, all these years later, goes hand-in-hand with the idea of Back to School.

One of my guilty pleasures is the movie "You've Got Mail" with Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks.  And one of my favorite lines within is:

“Don’t you love New York in the fall? It makes me wanna buy school supplies. I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils if I knew your name and address..”


Ah, that's how I feel today.  It is finally below 90 degrees here in California, I felt a bit of crispness in the air yesterday, and I long for cardigans and tights and a new pencil case in which to keep my new pencils.

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Yes/No. All/None. Go/Stay.

Yes/No. All/None. Go/Stay.

I said to my husband the other day that I don't think of Vienna all that much these days.  We don't have a strict timeline,  I don't have anything hanging over my head that I have to think about/do/accomplish with regard to Vienna, I'm distracted with other things in my life, he's been out of town so we haven't talked much about it.  So *poof*  there it goes.  

He, on the other hand, said he thinks about it all the time.  He's trying to get a business off the ground and our moving to Vienna depends quite a bit on his ability to do so, so he is constantly thinking that he's not working hard enough, fast enough to get us there.

I wanted to tell him, "it's okay, take your time."  I don't feel a sense of urgency at the moment and I don't want him to stress.  But I stopped short of doing so.  I was afraid he'd think that meant I was ambivalent, that I no longer want to go.  And for a moment I start the protest in my head, "No, of course I still want to go.  I'd go tomorrow if we could."  But thou might protest too much.

I do still want to go to Vienna.  I can say that in all honesty.  But sometimes I feel like I want to stay here.  And that is just as honest a statement.

My tendency is toward extremes.  Yes/No. Black/White.  All/None.  I don't do to well with the middle area, the squishy ~ um, maybe, I feel two ways about one thing ~ kind of place.  If I say yes to something, I have to make myself believe that yes is the only answer and I will do all I can to push out any other thoughts.  If I start to have conflicting thoughts, then I assume that I was wrong, that I don't want whatever it is after all and I either have to suck it up and go along with it because I said I would or I have to completely pull the plug.

And that is where I find myself today, caught in the middle, one day wanting to move to Vienna, remembering what it was like to be there and missing it, eager to take on the challenge of an ex-pat life.  Other days, I feel so comfortable in my own space that I want to stay.  And still other days I feel dissatisfied with where I currently am but not wanting to make quite that big of a change.

None of this means that I don't want to move, that we won't move, that the plans will be tossed out the window.  Right?  I'm pretty sure it just means that I'm allowing myself to experience all that goes along with such a decision.  This is huge for me.  And, on top of that, to openly admit to others that maybe I don't have it all together inside.  That's even bigger.

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