A lifelong obsession

A lifelong obsession

  

Apparently, I've had a thing for fancy shoes and big shades from a very early age.  Aren't these great!  My mom sent them to me this afternoon, photos of little me that I had never seen.  And it appears I get my sense of style from her - who else's closet and purse would I have been raiding so young?

My big competition is just 2 days away.  The training is done, I have tomorrow off work to take care of last minute appointments (hello, spray tan!) and a bit more posing practice, and I find myself with a little bit of downtime at home this evening.  A luxury these days.


I've pushed myself in so many ways these past couple months, physically and mentally, and while I might not be able to technically say that I've loved every minute of it, I kind of have loved every minute of it.


Physically, I'm in near-peak condition.  I honestly didn't believe I'd ever get my legs to look like they do today.  Ever.  I'm as healthy and as fit as I've ever been in my life.  While I may not want to walk around quite this lean and muscled every day, I now see just what I can do with my body (what we can all do with our bodies), with the right knowledge, discipline, and determination.


Mentally, I've surpassed the level of discipline and determination I knew I had.  I've always been pretty focused when I wanted to be, but this took EVEN MORE!


And I'm pushing my boundaries, my personal comfort levels.  Being in the gym, training, I'm comfortable with that.  Showing it off in the way I must on Saturday, that's a stretch for me.  And putting myself in the position of being judged like that, officially, also a stretch.


As of this moment, the excitement has surpassed the nerves.  I anticipate they'll return in force in the next 48 hours, but I think I've got the wherewithal to get through them.

I'll let you know how it goes!

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Yes/No. All/None. Go/Stay.

Yes/No. All/None. Go/Stay.

I said to my husband the other day that I don't think of Vienna all that much these days.  We don't have a strict timeline,  I don't have anything hanging over my head that I have to think about/do/accomplish with regard to Vienna, I'm distracted with other things in my life, he's been out of town so we haven't talked much about it.  So *poof*  there it goes.  

He, on the other hand, said he thinks about it all the time.  He's trying to get a business off the ground and our moving to Vienna depends quite a bit on his ability to do so, so he is constantly thinking that he's not working hard enough, fast enough to get us there.

I wanted to tell him, "it's okay, take your time."  I don't feel a sense of urgency at the moment and I don't want him to stress.  But I stopped short of doing so.  I was afraid he'd think that meant I was ambivalent, that I no longer want to go.  And for a moment I start the protest in my head, "No, of course I still want to go.  I'd go tomorrow if we could."  But thou might protest too much.

I do still want to go to Vienna.  I can say that in all honesty.  But sometimes I feel like I want to stay here.  And that is just as honest a statement.

My tendency is toward extremes.  Yes/No. Black/White.  All/None.  I don't do to well with the middle area, the squishy ~ um, maybe, I feel two ways about one thing ~ kind of place.  If I say yes to something, I have to make myself believe that yes is the only answer and I will do all I can to push out any other thoughts.  If I start to have conflicting thoughts, then I assume that I was wrong, that I don't want whatever it is after all and I either have to suck it up and go along with it because I said I would or I have to completely pull the plug.

And that is where I find myself today, caught in the middle, one day wanting to move to Vienna, remembering what it was like to be there and missing it, eager to take on the challenge of an ex-pat life.  Other days, I feel so comfortable in my own space that I want to stay.  And still other days I feel dissatisfied with where I currently am but not wanting to make quite that big of a change.

None of this means that I don't want to move, that we won't move, that the plans will be tossed out the window.  Right?  I'm pretty sure it just means that I'm allowing myself to experience all that goes along with such a decision.  This is huge for me.  And, on top of that, to openly admit to others that maybe I don't have it all together inside.  That's even bigger.

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No Comparison

No Comparison

One of my readers made a great comment to the last post about not judging a new environment by a set of norms based on another place (thank you, Michelle). Hard to do, for sure, but she has a very good point.

The whole point of moving, for me, is to experience a different culture, a non-US culture, to take myself out of the environment in which I've lived for 30 some-odd years and try something new.  I will undoubtedly fall back on making comparisons at times but the goal is to recognize the differences and explore, try to understand, overcome, integrate new ideas and approaches....to learn and grow from the variety of experiences, not use them as roadblocks.

Thank you for that reminder!

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Here's to Mistakes

Here's to Mistakes

I'm foregoing the Friday Five for a bit.  Turns out that I don't actually DO five things each week toward the big move....yet.  Or, I should say that I don't do five NEW things each week toward the move and I can only say "one more German lesson down" or "cleaned another closet" so many times.  Boring!

I was all gung-ho about it for awhile and thought it would be a great feature for An American Girl, but it was becoming more a source of anxiety than a motivator for me.  Rather than enjoying the idea of blogging and actually feeling inspired to write, I was filled throughout the week with thoughts of "what am I doing, what can I tell everyone I'm doing?  But wait, I'm not really doing anything, but I have to think of something."  Oh boy. 

So, until such time as I am actually in the throes of doing new and enlightening things all the time because the move is getting close at hand and I have to be, I'm going back to the original plan.  Blog a few times a week, sharing thoughts, ideas, pondering issues or tidbits I have heard and working on my writing. 

I have to say that this whole exercise - blogging - has been pretty interesting and challenging.  It feels odd to try things like the Friday Five, like searching for a good look & feel, like posting writing that I consider to be unpolished, all in a public forum where others can see the missteps, the messiness.  And I'm actually inviting others to see the process!

I'm one of those people that doesn't do new things in front of people.  Ever.  Not in front of strangers.  Not in front of people I know.  I've never learned to play pool because I'm terrified of making an ass out of myself.  I don't play board games or card games because these aren't things you can  learn on your own and perfect before taking the show on the road.  

I have not perfected the art of writing, the art of blogging.  Nor will I ever, I fear, but I am strangely accepting of this.  Maybe it's easier because I never see any of you, dear readers, while sitting at my kitchen table with my laptop as an intermediary.  It's a lot safer than being in a crowded bar with people staring over my shoulder as I make attempt after attempt to actually get a ball in the pocket at the pool table.  But there is still a sheepishness when I make a mistake or decide that something isn't working and I have to change things.

Ah well, here's to mistakes.  And learning to love them, laugh at them and move on.

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Frohes Neues Jahr

Frohes Neues Jahr

Birthday Indulgence 2010 - Red Velvet Cheesecake.

Because my birthday is so close to the beginning of the calendar year, I often think of IT as my very own New Year's Day. This gives me an extra 11 days to settle into self reflection, review the previous year and consider resolutions or goals. The big day always comes, though, and as the beautiful red cake above illustrates, that day is today.

2010 is quite a year for those goals, I'd say, so here goes......

• SHARE. Those who know me well know I'm a rather tight-lipped sort. When I share about life, be it the tiny details or the big news, I tend to do so once things have begun or, more likely, after the fact. But this project, this blog, heck, this move, won't work that way. I can't make connections, develop relationships, build trust without first being open and sharing.

• DON'T LIVE EXCLUSIVELY ONLINE. Blog. Facebook. email. MyFamily.com. A dream come true for me, to hide behind the screen and have written words and photos stand in place of my actual presence and voice. As my online life grows, I'll pay attention to my real, live, in person life as well. Conversations. Phone calls. Coffee dates. The "can't talk, need time to blog, email, FB" excuse will not leave my lips.

• STRIKE A BALANCE BETWEEN the HERE & NOW and the UP & COMING. I already find myself saying things like, "well, when we're in Vienna I'll go to the museum more...." as if the Bay Area has a dearth of art and culture to explore. Don't forget where I am, don't put off life thinking too far into the future and looking for greener grass.

• LEARN GERMAN. Oh yeah, that small thing.

So, a bit daunted but strangely exhilarated.... I say Frohes Neues Jahr & Alles Gute zum Geburtstag.....Happy New Year & Happy Birthday.....to me! Next year's birthday indulgence may just very well be Sacher Torte.

P.S. For those of you wondering, the passport application has been submit. Deadline met!

Photo: Cheesecake Factory

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