Coffee and blog

Coffee and blog

I'm rubbing the sleep from my eyes and drinking a cup of hot, strong, American drip coffee.  I don't usually run right to my computer upon awakening, although I will admit that I sometimes have to force myself not to (dang email and Facebook addiction).  This morning, though, I feel an overwhelming desire to sit and write a bit.  It is Sunday and it is a holiday weekend, which means I was off yesterday, I'm off today, and I have all day tomorrow to myself as well.  All is leisurely.  I don't have to rush to the gym or rush to work or rush to....well, anywhere.  And, so, I find myself here.

My husband and I have been back from Vienna for a little more than two weeks now and I realize that despite several posts and the confirmation that the move is still on, I haven't been terribly talkative, even here, about the trip, about my impressions, about my fears and excitements.  For those of you who know me and/or have been reading since the earliest posts, you'll know that one of my goals in creating this blog is to get myself to share more.  Talking about myself is not something I do much, even with family and close friends.  And, so, it can sometimes seem as though I don't put much thought into things and that I go from idea to decision - poof - just like that.  Is she sure?  Does she really know what she's getting into?  Has she really thought about it?

I was just about to say (slightly defensively) - of course I do!  I think long and hard about all that I do, I've spent hours pondering the emotional, physical, mental aspects of such a move, my reactions to Vienna, my experience there, how I feel about it all.  Truth is, though, I haven't.  Not in such a concerted - I-have-to-sit-down-and-figure-this-out-and-make-sure-I've-considered-everything kind of way.  That's just not me.  Which isn't to say that I don't think about things at all, that I'm naively moving forward with a half-hatched plan and that I'll find myself in Vienna this time next year, thinking, "this was stupid, I should have thought more about xx, yy, and zz before I just picked up and moved."

What I am saying is that I'm just not the soul-searching type in general ~ and I'm only recently coming to accept that of myself and be okay with it.  This doesn't mean that I don't have moments of deep thought and personal reflection and insight but it often seems that I don't have as many of those moments as others do or as I maybe "should" have, especially when considering something as seemingly huge as picking up and moving to Vienna.

Truth is, I just don't think of it as such a huge deal.  It's another chapter in my life.  I've picked up and moved before.  I've started over.  And, yes, I've considered that moving within my home country isn't the same as moving to Europe for all sorts of different reasons.  But, I've been reading so many expat and traveler's blogs and these and our visit to England and Vienna really did reinforce my thought that this truly is a small world and one that I want to explore.  And while a little hard and scary, it's not that hard and scary.

When it comes to thinking about the move, my mind goes almost immediately to the practical and pragmatic (jobs, visas, residence permits and such), not the emotional or psychological aspects of moving.  This isn't because I don't expect there to be any and it's not a diversionary tactic.  I've tried thinking hard about what kind of impact this will have on my relationships with family and friends, with my husband, with myself, but my mind won't stay there.  I get antsy and anxious when I try to concentrate on these aspects of the move because, well, how can I know beforehand? I can assume that communication will be as easy from there as it is from here.  I can assume that this will be a period of great exploration and expansion and growth for me as an individual and for me and my husband as a couple.  But who knows???

What I do know, however, be it a deep insight or shallow justification, is that for me, the whole concept of not knowing, but taking the leap and going anyway...this is the whole point.

Photo by JimileeK